Jokes needed!

[andy_richardson]

Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
Because they taste funny.

Why don't polar bears eat penguins?
Becasue they can't get the wrappers off.

Where do kangaroos go when they're poorly?
To the Hopspital.
(The last one is courtesy of my five year old son.)

[Flyingspanner]

What do you call an Italian with a rubber toe...............................................Roberto !!!!

It made me laugh

[Woody]

Paddy & Murphy are working on a building site. Paddy says to Murphy 'Im gonna have the day off, Im gonna pretend Im mad!'

He climbs up the rafters , hangs upside down & shouts 'I'M A LIGHTBULB! I'M A LIGHTBULB!' Murphy watches in amazement!

The Foreman shouts 'Paddy you're mad, go home' So he leaves the site.

Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.

'Where the hell are you going?' asks the Foreman.

'I cant work in the friggin dark! ' says Murphy.

[countshagula]

Whats the difference between mashed potato and pea-green soup ?

Anybody can mash potato !

and a timeless classic........

Whats the difference between a buffalo and a bison ?

You can't wash your hands in a buffalo !

[Woody]

ok, here's the rest of the Paddy & Mick jokes!!
---------------------------
A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy odered a whiskey. The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.

He replied in disgust 'I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!'

Paddy handed his drink back & said 'Me too, I didnt know we had a choice!'

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Paddy calls Easy jet to book a flight. The operator asks 'How many people are flying with you?'

Paddy replies 'I dont know! Its your bloody plane!!'

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Paddy & Murphy are working on a building site. Paddy says to Murphy 'Im gonna have the day off, Im gonna pretend Im mad!'

He climbs up the rafters , hangs upside down & shouts 'I'M A LIGHTBULB! I'M A LIGHTBULB!' Murphy watches in amazement!

The Foreman shouts 'Paddy you're mad, go home' So he leaves the site.

Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.

'Where the hell are you going?' asks the Foreman.

'I cant work in the friggin dark! ' says Murphy.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night. She undresses & lies on the bed spreadeagled & says 'You know what I want dont you?'

'Yeah,' says Paddy. 'The whole friggin bed by the looks of it!'

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Q. Whats a Catholic priest & a pint of Guiness got in common?

A. black coat, white collar & you've got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one!

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Paddy the electrician got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair. He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Paddy, the Irish boyfriend of the woman whos head was found on Arbroath beach was asked to identify her A detective held up the head to which point Paddy said 'I dont think thats her, she wasnt that tall.


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Paddy & his wife are lying in bed & the neighbours dog is barking like mad in the garden. Paddy says 'To hell with this!' & storms off.

He comes back upstairs 5 mins later & his wife asks 'What did you do?'

Paddy replies 'Ive put the dog in our garden, lets see how they like it!'

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue. 'Be Jeysus!' he said, 'I didnt even know they had mobile phones!'

---

ok, here's the rest of the Paddy & Mick jokes!!
---------------------------
A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy odered a whiskey. The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.

He replied in disgust 'I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!'

Paddy handed his drink back & said 'Me too, I didnt know we had a choice!'

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Paddy calls Easy jet to book a flight. The operator asks 'How many people are flying with you?'

Paddy replies 'I dont know! Its your bloody plane!!'

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Paddy & Murphy are working on a building site. Paddy says to Murphy 'Im gonna have the day off, Im gonna pretend Im mad!'

He climbs up the rafters , hangs upside down & shouts 'I'M A LIGHTBULB! I'M A LIGHTBULB!' Murphy watches in amazement!

The Foreman shouts 'Paddy you're mad, go home' So he leaves the site.

Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.

'Where the hell are you going?' asks the Foreman.

'I cant work in the friggin dark! ' says Murphy.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night. She undresses & lies on the bed spreadeagled & says 'You know what I want dont you?'

'Yeah,' says Paddy. 'The whole friggin bed by the looks of it!'

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. Whats a Catholic priest & a pint of Guiness got in common?

A. black coat, white collar & you've got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Paddy the electrician got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair. He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Paddy, the Irish boyfriend of the woman whos head was found on Arbroath beach was asked to identify her A detective held up the head to which point Paddy said 'I dont think thats her, she wasnt that tall.


-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Paddy & his wife are lying in bed & the neighbours dog is barking like mad in the garden. Paddy says 'To hell with this!' & storms off.

He comes back upstairs 5 mins later & his wife asks 'What did you do?'

Paddy replies 'Ive put the dog in our garden, lets see how they like it!'

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue. 'Be Jeysus!' he said, 'I didnt even know they had mobile phones!'

[Flyingspanner]

What's the difference between Light and Hard

I can sleep with the light on.

[O2 Steve]

Woody - did you miss the bit about this being for 5 year old kids??

[Woody]

ha ha! Theyve gotta learn about life somehow, what better way than thru jokes

I "speed read" too much to be honest, :0

[FatChris]

What do you call a fly with its wings pulled off?

A walk.


Whats brown and rhymes with "Snoop"

Dr Dre.

[Woody]

whats black and white and red all over?

a sunburnt zebra!

There! that better!?

What do u call a deer with no eyes?

No Idea!

What do you vall a deer with no eyes and no legs?

Still no Idea!

I wont say the next one until they've all grown up!!